so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
areolas are like halos for boobs.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
