Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
