I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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