Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
