are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
