it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
