I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
