Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
