gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
