She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You were trust falling into bushes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
