My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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