I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
