just tell him i said nine months
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
