If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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