Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
