The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
