On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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