i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
