Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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