New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
