i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
