Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
