if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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