I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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