Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
