What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
