So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
