4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
