just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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