I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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