Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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