So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
