so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
