Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
