she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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