Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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