Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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