Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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