so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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