Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
