My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
