you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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