You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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