Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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