nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
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