The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
