First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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