And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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