he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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