A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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