proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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