WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
