i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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