Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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