When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
