A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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