i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
