Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Don't make out with my wife yet
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
