i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
