____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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