Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
