My liver just broke up with me...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
