apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize