Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
